Friend of the show, Tom Garland is here.
Hey, Brian.
Morning to you.
Good morning.
I'd like to talk about past Tom Garland, not current Tom Garland, okay?
All right.
Did past Tom Garland ever have, either in Vegas or in his early standup or on the road days, have girls that maybe were a little clingy?
Yeah, sometimes that would happen.
What happens on the road is that you're
you're going through these cities and you meet somebody and you're like, wow, it's so much fun with you.
And they're
like,
I had fun with you too.
And they're like, let's go out tomorrow.
And you're like, oh, I leave tomorrow.
And they're like, oh, when will you be back?
And I'm like, um, six to nine months when the club books me back.
So, so I would come back and it'd be, you know, you stay in touch.
And then I would come back and everyone would have these like completely different lives in these different cities that I would go.
I was in Chicago a lot.
I would go back
to
Chicago and then I'd hang out.
I had a group of friends there, you know, and
hang
out with a group of friends.
I'd be like well even even dudes you'd be like where's Jim and they'd be like he's not in the group anymore Jim
do
yeah
in this you think you got it bad I'm gonna introduce you to a 28 year old Florida woman her name is Gabrielle I don't know if that name does anything for you at all
oh yeah okay
yeah Gabrielle was arrested last week
This was after she was caught throwing dozens of tampons onto her ex-boyfriend's lawn and painted some of them red to make him think that they were used.
That's great.
She got arrested for that?
Yeah, she did.
Wow.
Wow.
And she thought that was gonna upset him, I guess?
Well, unclear why.
She
did it.
I mean that's the first question you ask.
Why?
I guess it's maybe to embarrass you in front of your neighbors.
I mean 75 to 100 tampons on your yard painted red.
I mean, yeah, that's not just a TP in right there, is it?
No.
You'd be like, the neighbors would look out and they'd be like, wow, the trees aren't the only thing shedding this fall.
Honey, look at this.
Tampax is doing some grassroots marketing.
The little kids are like daddy.
What are they doing?
You're like, I think they're testing their sprinkler system for flow.
I want to See how absorbent that is Just blew liquid across the lawn Crazy girl.
Yeah, does it say like what is what does she do for a living?
She is a local firefighter
Yeah, yeah, that's kind of a crazy job for a woman to begin with right?
Well, I just think, in general, it's gotta be a tough gig for anybody.
Yeah, in general.
Right, because I mean, you're going in on somebody's worst day of their life.
Thanks for saving my sexism there.
You're like, gosh, this is a tough job.
I'm looking out for current Tom, not past Tom.
I like it.
That's funny that she was a firefighter.
Somebody needs to tell her it's stop, drop, and roll, not stop, stop, drop, and flow.
I really thought you were gonna say stop, drop, and plug, but...
No, not quite.
I think if that happened to me, if that happened to current Tom, I would just embrace it.
That's the only way you can beat the crazy spouse or the crazy ex is just embrace it and just play into it.
So what do you do in return?
You put a sign out there with it.
I wouldn't clean it up at all.
I'd put a sign.
I'd see you're doing this.
I'd just join her.
I'd put a sign out in my yard that says, no trespassing, feminine hygiene habitat.
put a little donation box out there.
Yeah, like a
lemonade stand,
right?
A lemonade stand.
Maybe a
raspberry lemonade.
Yeah, maybe Bloody Mary's.
That's okay.
All right.
I think we're going to hang back on this one.
Current Tom will be back with Top 5 Tuesday.
We'll do that next.
Holy
crap.
Who used all the Wi-Fi?
Ah, apartment life.
Bad Wi-Fi, mystery laundry piles, and a roommate who says, I'll Venmo you.
Maybe 2027 deserves an upgrade.
Coming August 2027, Four Lakes Properties introduces the brand new Union Station Apartments, furnished in-unit washer and dryer.
Internet included a great central downtown location, one to five bedroom apartments, and no double occupancy fees.
That's less adulting and more actually enjoying where you live.
Union Station Apartments, now leasing from Four Lakes Properties.
Wait, we have a washer and dryer in the apartment?
It's
Top 5
Tuesday on The Rock 108
Morning Show!
Got the bug
and you're gonna do it again.
Yeah, but we're not gonna do it again this time at CSPS I'm sure I'll be back there at some point But gonna go a little further north to Cedar Falls and I'm gonna do a show at the Oster Regent Theater
So yeah, so the date on that is November 15th.
They're dropping the tickets sometime this week.
So look out for that.
If you go to my Facebook page, Tom Garland or if you just go find my my website or Google me, my website is Tom Garland stand up.com will release those tickets this week.
It's the Oster Regent Theater in Cedar Falls, Iowa on main.
and uh yeah November 15th they're gonna have tickets out
cool venue and a great place for you to do stand-up comedy and more details about that show upcoming yeah coming soon all right so you ready
to get this thing moving yeah i want to jump right into it brian this uh the government is shut down right and we don't know how long that's gonna take yeah so
This is the list I brought for you today.
These are the top five things that will reopen in Cedar Rapids before the US government reopens.
Oh boy, here we go.
Number five, Bishops Buffet.
Oh no!
It's coming back, Brian.
I think it's coming back.
It was just a few medical beds away from being a nursing home.
I'll admit, I never
understood how to use bishops.
You didn't understand how to use it?
Yeah, because did you have to go plate by plate?
And that kind
of
thing.
I tried it once and I didn't understand and then I just gave up on it.
Let me walk over there like Ryan's and catch something.
You have to involve yourself with the elderly.
That's what you have to do.
There you go.
Be able to play canasta.
It's the same reason the lumberyard closed.
Oh, no.
Those are some old pals.
You go in there, you're like, what's the story, Ruth?
She was like, I've been in this town my whole life.
I was the first employee at ADM.
A lot of people don't know that was a strip club, too.
It was called Always Depressed Men.
Picture it,
Muscatine, 1912.
Yeah.
We smoke so much in there, there's still smoke coming out.
Oh man.
That was number five.
That was number five.
These are the top five things that will reopen in Cedar Rapids before the US government.
Number four, Chapman's Fun World.
Oh yes, one of my favorites.
Yeah, people got hurt there though, you know.
They did.
Yeah, there's so much DNA all over the place.
It was like a crime scene.
I think they collected it all and that's how Ancestry.com started.
They just went there with a swab.
Do you think like burial grounds, like there's still stuff that's in the same spot where Chapman's Fun World existed at one point?
Definitely, definitely.
You could go there and you could pick up some anything from there and it's got somebody's DNA and bloodline on it.
It's like the Jurassic Park where they've got the mosquito in
Amber.
Somebody right now is looking down at their elbow and saying, this scar right here, Chapman's Fun World.
Chapman's Fun World, definitely.
Same reason the lumberyard closed.
Oh gosh.
There's a scar right here at the lumberyard.
Champagne room.
These are top five things that will reopen in Cedar Rapids before the US government.
Number three, the downtown IMAX.
Oh.
You remember that?
I do.
Yeah.
Every time it just ended with the manager apologizing.
It's the same reason the lumberyard closed.
Oh no.
Thanks for everybody for coming.
You guys, I'm sorry.
It wasn't
supposed to end this way.
Blanche had to go to bed.
Gertrude just needs her oxygen tank and she'll be back out in a bit.
Esmeralda, up next.
You're like, why is the yard covered in tampons?
Oh gosh.
All right.
Top five things.
that will reopen in Cedar Rapids before the U.S.
government.
Number two, Westale Mall.
You don't want it to reopen?
I'd like to see it come back.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah, you know it got bad though when by the end you could just pay with Venmo.
And Apple pay somebody.
I love it.
Yeah, that's the same reason the lumberyard closed.
No, no.
And number one.
The number one thing that will reopen in Cedar Rapids before the U.S.
government, you guessed it, the lumberyard.
Yay!
Yay!
They said everybody there was just getting screwed.
And that's the same reason the government
closed.
Oh, no.
Top five Tuesday with Tom Garland.
Where can they find information about your shows?
Where can they
get tickets?
Where is it all at?
Yeah, it's all on my website, man.
Go to Tom Garland, stand up.
I want you to come see me perform live November 15th at the Oster Regent right now.
I've got a movie out online.
It's on Fossum.
It's on Plex.
It's called Huskies.
And you can find my comedy special probably on my website too and on Tubi that's called Tom Garland's Selling Out.
And you can also find that Huskies available on DVD and Blu-ray.
Oh, yeah.
Yep.
If you're old enough that you've eaten at Bishop's Buffet, then you might still have a DVD player.
You go on amazon.com, get your Huskies DVD.
I really thought you were gonna say
if you're old enough to a set in sniffers row at the lumber yard For an amateur night second and fourth Friday of every month.
Yo 709 receiver
Who used all
the Wi-Fi.
Ah, apartment life.
Bad Wi-Fi, mystery laundry piles, and a roommate who says, I'll Venmo you.
Maybe 2027 deserves an upgrade.
Coming August 2027, Four Lakes Properties introduces the brand new Union Station apartments.
Furnished, in-unit washer and dryer, internet included, a great central downtown location, one to five bedroom apartments, and no double occupancy fees.
That's less adulting and more actually enjoying where you live.
Union Station apartments, now leasing from Four Lakes Properties.
Wait, we have a washer and dryer in the apartment?
It's alter bridge with silent divide on rock one.
Oh, it's just moving my arm a little bit.
And I think my Chapman's fun world scar is starting to hurt.
If you miss the top five, uh, Thomas put those up on his, uh, his social media, his Facebook page throughout the week.
Top fives that are already there.
He's also on
his Instagram as well.
Yeah, if you check out my Instagram, it's TomGarlandLV that stands for Las Vegas and should probably be changed to CR because I've been a permanent resident of Cedar Rapids for the last five years.
But TomGarlandLV is the Instagram, TomGarland is my Facebook page.
And yeah, we post the top fives every week.
We've been posting some more content.
We had it.
Kentucky Fried Chicken bit last week.
Sexy Colonel Sanders baby.
That was on there and stuff.
So lots of lots of content you can check out online.
And Tom does this all his own.
It's a DIY approach.
Do it yourself.
So nice work, man.
I appreciate that.
All right.
So some number crunchers behind the divorce coaching app split up.
Yes, there's an app for that.
Ranked each of the 50 states and determined where the most gold diggers live.
Where do you think?
The
states.
Oh, where the gold diggers live.
Uh-huh.
Well, they're divorced gold diggers, right?
They are now.
They are now.
Yeah.
I'd say maybe like Florida, Nevada, California.
You got
both of them correct.
Florida and Nevada top the list
Miami Vegas.
The bottom five states.
Now you're thinking the bottom five with gold diggers.
If you're thinking around the country, where are you thinking?
Bottom five, bottom five, the fewest gold diggers.
Montana.
Montana is on that list.
Okay.
Nice work.
I've been
all over
Brian man.
You're like on split up.
I've been everywhere
man.
You already know.
Yeah.
Uh, yeah.
I feel like Montana would be hard to get a divorce.
Yeah, or whatever.
You'd be like, get out.
You're like, don't kick me out.
There's no resources for 200 miles.
Right.
I'm going to send you on the Oregon Trail.
Yeah,
exactly.
Uh, also on the lowest of the five states, uh, Maine, Wyoming.
Nebraska and Vermont.
Okay.
Yeah.
Nebraska, the lowest amount of gold diggers.
Um, how about this?
Have you ever had somebody, uh, get mad or ghost you after you said no to something expensive?
You know, like you, you had somebody, this is past Tom again, that current Tom.
Yeah,
you
ever had something like that go on with women specifically or men if
Yeah, I I have that happen with a with guy friend I don't know why since I've been married that my guy friends think that we need guy trips I don't oh, I don't know I don't really get into that I you know I got married I settled down and whatever and my friends will be dude
It's this big weekend.
We're all going we're going golfing man.
We're going golfing in Miami
We're gonna go down there.
It's only gonna cost like we're gonna get a big Airbnb.
It's only gonna cost 10 grand a guy and we're gonna be down there for six weeks and you gotta take every day off work and and
you know and we're all gonna get tattoos and we're gonna I'm like what this is no I'm not doing that like that that so I say no to that and then they get upset and they say like oh man I thought we were friends man like that you know and I'm like I don't know college was
20 years ago, you really wanna do that?
That seems weird to me.
In a way, you may have come up with a new version of the Split Up app.
Yeah.
Yeah, the Split Up
Bro Edition.
Bro Edition, yeah.
Gotta split up with some of those bros.
I feel like that is harder to split up with than a spouse.
If I was to write the app, that'd be the easiest app to write for me.
I'd just say you log into the app, the Split Up app.
Yeah.
And then just in big block letters, it says leave.
F off.
Just raw.
Leave just leave that person.
It's not working out life is short get out of there I could see how you at some point financially you need divorce advice though and maybe that's what it's for maybe it's like I you know how would I know but maybe it's like uber you know where you
can
you you log in you say your location and then you see the lawyer just on their way to your residence right You're like fighting with your spouse.
You're like listen.
I'll tell you all right my lawyer
Moposhka will be here in a second.
It's very good lawyer Moposhka He drives
a Ford Taurus and he's gonna be here any minute.
I don't know.
Well, you can order the XL edition So then you and
three
other buddies can get the
same at the same time.
I also like the idea of of an app for
sugar mamas that are already divorced.
I
feel like there's, yeah, there's a market for that.
The names would be fun for that anyways.
Yeah, cups of sugar.com.
Yeah, that's good.
But you gotta work it in that they're divorced.
We gotta let people know that they're already on at least marriage number two, right?
You could call them like alimony angels.
You're severance, sweetie.
Yes.
And if you want a group
of them, they're the divorce force, the divorce force, which you can see them all at the lumberyard coming
up this
weekend.
Tom Garland.
One more
time, your pages, please.
Yeah.
Tom Garland standup.com is the website and that's right.
Standup comedian.
And so if you want to watch my comedy special, there's one out right now on to be absolutely free.
That's called Tom Garland selling out the
forecast from KCRG TV nine is coming up next.
Thanks, Tom.
Thank you.
The Rock 108
Morning
Show.
