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I'm sure you've seen a boxing match or two in your day, maybe a UFC fight.
Oh, yeah.
I used to go in Las Vegas, the Frank Muir, Austin areas, go to the boxing at the Rio.
Do you know a name, Jarrell Big Baby Miller?
No, I don't.
I like that name, though.
Saturday night, he was in a fight against Kingsley Ibe.
And Miller won a split decision, but lost something in the process.
It was a right uppercut in round two, and he lost his toupee.
Really?
He was wearing a hairpiece?
He was wearing a hairpiece during a boxing match, Tom.
Wow.
Yeah.
He even took the toupee all the way off and then threw it into the crowd.
That was probably, if it was a split decision, that probably flew further than his right hook.
Wow, the rep didn't drop down and give it the count or anything like that?
Yeah, I mean at that point you wonder like this kind of clean comes off of his head and you're like what what the heck's going on?
After the fight he lost his real hair two days earlier because he accidentally washed it with ammonia bleach instead of shampoo.
Sure, sure.
Yeah, I tell girls that all the time.
I would say this okay in his defense every boxer needs a gimmick.
Okay.
You know, they always have a nickname, they always have a gimmick.
So I would love to be this guy's ring announcer.
Okay.
Yeah.
In the bald corner, standing just below him up and weighing in at an extra pound, they call him the hairline hitman, the clip on kid, the two-pay terror, the dome deceiver, the dollar store Don King, the oriental rug of the tiger.
He's lost every fallus by fallout.
The reflective, so deceptive, wig selective, sun receptive, glare effective, no hair nightmare!
Give it up for Mr. Clean!
That's incredible.
Well, he needs an opponent, Brian.
I think you could fight this guy, right?
What?
Are we in the same weight class?
Whatever.
Let's put you against him.
All right.
In the opposing corner, appearing only by FCC clearance, they call him the Alarm Clock Assassin, the snooze button slayer, the caffeine commuter, the morning breath menace, the wake-up wrecker, the king of the traffic jam jungle.
He's championed your ears, lost your eyes, and still fighting for control of the cornfield airwaves.
The Gabbing, Tongue Flabbing, All Talking, No Jabbing, Colonel Mustard of the Brain Buster, Daily Dumbass Flunker, The Never Outdone P1, The Pride of Eastern Iowa, Brian Marshall.
Wow.
Sounds like he could actually win that fight.
Yeah, kick him out, Brian.
Knock his hair off.
Wow.
Wow.
Holy crap.
You can believe this.
Wow.
What a morning.
You think you got it bad.
I actually have it pretty good today.
I got a heck of an intro.
Yeah, I should probably hold on to that Then you get punched in the face and it's boom.
Yeah, I mean I got a full head of hair now We'll see what happens.
I don't have a full bowel afterwards.
Yeah, so coming up Tom has his top five Tuesday
Do you want me to do that?
Yeah, you can do the announcer for top five Tuesdays.
He's an actor.
He's a stand-up comedian and he brings you top five Tuesday.
It'll be coming up after the news, which is next.
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Who used all the
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Wait, we have a washer and dryer in the apartment?
49
year old man, his name's Skip.
He's launched a year of isolation project.
And this year of isolation project means that he's going to stay locked inside one room for 365 days.
Wow.
You want to hear what Skip has to say about this?
Yes.
All right.
Here we go.
My name is Skip.
I'm 49 years old and I'm starting something today that scares me a little.
On January 10th, I'm locking myself into this room.
for an entire year.
I'm doing this because I'm tired of being the version of myself that avoids hard things.
One goal is simple.
By the end of the year, I want to do one perfect pull-up.
The pull-up is the proof, but the real goal is rebuilding who I am from the ground up.
This is day minus 70.
I'm starting the preparation now.
Okay.
What do you take away from that Tom?
Okay couple things one his he's gonna spend a year in isolation Yep, and his name is skip.
Yes, you're gonna be skipping everything Yes, you're skipping birthdays anniversaries all sorts of stuff But I also like that he said like I'm sick of avoiding stuff so you're gonna lock yourself in your room that what uh-huh That's weird and for a pull-up for one pull up bro.
It's called Planet Fitness right like
Watch the New Year's ball drop everybody's wearing the purple hats.
Just yeah,
you know, you know I like that you kept him outside You know like a planet fitness.
No if you want to learn to do one pull-up and you want to be in isolation go to prison Yeah, dude totally one room.
Yeah, it's got the toilet in there.
Yeah
You got yourself maybe a roommate.
I mean, that's not isolation necessarily.
And you'll
probably have fun before you get caught, you know,
rob a
couple of banks, drive a fast car, get
busy living or get busy dying.
I'm with that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Digging in a hole in behind a poster, you know,
don't let the warden catch
you.
Also, he's like acting like nobody's ever done this before.
Like, I'm going to spend a year in isolation.
Bro, that was called COVID.
Yeah.
I did plenty of that.
I was in a 600 square foot apartment in Las Vegas with my wife.
She was my cellmate.
It's top five Tuesday on the rock one away morning show
I feel like it's fight nights fight day.
Yeah,
you all jacked up.
I am awesome all
jacked
up
excited too because I watched the Grammys and young blood and
Frank Bellow and Nuno Betancourt all got a Grammy for changes and
brought
Sharon Osborn up on stage.
That was pretty cool.
Nine inch nails gets a Grammy for the first time in what, 50 year career?
Yeah.
The Cure gets
their, uh, gets their
Grammy too.
Yeah, do you watch it?
I did.
I like the Grammys.
I was super excited to see all the stuff you just talked about.
But I think they got to switch the categories up a little bit.
You know, there's always like best album, best one.
It's so predictable if we can get some new categories, right?
These are the top five Grammy Awards that don't exist, but
should.
Here we go.
Number five.
unnecessary political acceptance speech hey
yeah yeah
yeah we have to save gas stoves you know who's who's excited about that gas
stoves what are they going on the endangered list first it was pandas now it's gas stoves what's happening next
I really want to use gas in my home
I think if we all just protest and come together and get out in the street with our stove, and
yeah, one cares, right?
These are, that was a weird one to start with.
These are the top five Grammy Awards that don't exist, but should.
Number four, the best album to soon be tarnished by a sex scandal.
Yeah, that's actually the same category as best comedy album.
Puddin' Pops worked for me.
Yeah.
Exactly.
All of them.
Best album goes to Bill Cosby, Louis C.K., Crystal
Leigh.
Sir, you're just reading the upstream list.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought these
were comedians.
I thought they
were redacted.
Yeah.
That's good.
Top five Grammy Awards that don't exist but should.
Number three, best artist to soon be charged with tax evasion.
Oh.
Yeah, you can always tell because the speech starts with, I'd like to thank God.
God, thank you for doing this for me.
It's like the IRS is like, oh, we got it.
We'll catch you in six years.
Yeah, no doubt.
Top five Grammy Awards that don't exist, but should number two, the best song that you only know from commercials.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know this, it's like you hear that you're like, I don't know who sings that, but you know, it's a banger.
Yeah, it's one of those we go vads.
Yeah, it's like when the rat, it's always like a rap song too.
They're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, Riley.
You're like auto parts.
Yeah.
Who sings that?
Yeah.
Where is the Grammy for that?
Yeah.
Wow.
That's right.
These are the top five Grammy awards that don't exist, but should number one in loving memory, right?
They always have the in loving memory.
But not for who died.
But rather who sold out and went country.
This one's called the Jelly Roll Award.
Yes, exactly.
I'd like to thank God.
The IRS and it's not a comedy album.
We got him.
Today's Daily Dumbass Tom Garland.
This one comes to us from... I want to say it's France.
Where an individual, he's 24, hobbled into an emergency room Saturday night and... Well, things are... things are a little tough.
The unidentified man, unidentified because of what's about ready to be revealed to you, sir.
Okay.
Said he was experiencing severe pain and after undergoing some tests, doctors were stunned what they discovered.
What they found with this 24-year-old Frenchman, the reason he was hobbling into the emergency room, he had an 8-inch World War I-era artillery shell lodged in his rectum.
Wow.
Yep.
37-millimeter brass and copper shell from the German army.
What?
Yep.
But you said he's only 24 years old, right?
That's right.
Yeah, no.
Oh, so what, like things just, it's not like he got shot with it.
No.
No, he got freaky after a war reenactment.
24 years old, World War I. Yeah.
Full evacuation on part of the hospital where the bomb disposal experts were called in to make sure the century old munition was not about to detonate.
This is not a call you usually get, you know, that you see it, maybe it's in the back of somebody's yard.
No, this is in the back of someone.
Yeah, that's why
I don't use Facebook Marketplace.
Yeah, so it's like, do you want these antiques?
And you're like, yeah, you come over and all of a sudden it's lodged inside of you.
Yeah.
Can you imagine going on an antiques road show with that?
They'd have to be an expert, right?
They'd be like, there it is.
Oh, never mind.
That's a hemorrhoid.
Oh, there it is.
Yep.
That's unfortunately authentic.
Yeah.
Don't clean that.
Yeah.
Tell me the
story about this one.
Well, you know.
This was a gift from my great-great-great grandfather.
I don't know how many times it's been in the backside of us, but here we are.
You know, at least he's got a safe place for keeping, right?
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah, that's like a... Man, that's such a weird grinder request.
What are you into?
You
know historically speaking yes, you know, I love World War one.
Yeah air artillery shells Yeah, that's quite the call of duty right there.
Yes Tom Garland on our daily dumb ass today.
He'll be back for another top five Tuesday next week
Beth Maliki has the news next from
KCRGTV9.
