2-17-26 Getting Married at The Funeral Home

Do you think you got it bad?

Drones have many uses, Tom Garland.

Okay.

And one drone in the Badger State of Wisconsin recently used to catch a woman who was delivering some of her own packages and bombs.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Police in Stoughton, Wisconsin finally solved a mystery of a serial park pooper.

No.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Officers have been getting complaints about human waste and used toilet paper showing up on a walking path.

Wow.

This is an ongoing thing.

Yes.

So they set up trail cameras and even deployed a drone and Stoughton police said that they identified a pattern.

She's like the mailbox bomber.

She's making a smiley face.

Put a nut.

Well, maybe she had peanuts and it just doesn't digest well.

Yeah,

someone repeatedly had been going in the park during the early morning hours Surveillance eventually led the officers to a 46 year old woman that they say was caught on drone video Imagine that one you're flying the drone.

You're like, oh, no Yeah, that's that's when you want the AI to take over

you watch a GPT.

I don't want to watch this

Yeah, you just take on over a Tory.

Can you do this?

That's crazy.

That's really set up for, like, a TV show, though.

It is set up for a TV show.

You know those, you know which ones I'm talking about, those mystery TV shows?

Oh, you know I know what mystery shows you're talking about.

Yeah.

A log in the park, but not from a tree.

Welcome back to Unclean Mysteries.

I'm Robert Stench with the case of septic suspicion.

Beneath the calm of the charming soft trees and the distant splatter of laughter a gut-churning mystery Fertilized in an otherwise ordinary park Witnesses reported a lone figure dropping a deposit then vanishing without a wipe Leaving behind stank and questions.

What's that smell?

Why is everyone walking faster and was a kid rock concert here today?

The headlines dumped many nicknames for this foul field felon was it the town square squatter the picnic plopper the grass-ass grifter Or perhaps Andy Dick was just in town again.

Oh, no For fella This is a mystery Brian Authorities remain backed up the community sick to their stomachs

and the truth still hidden behind unused perfectly fine porta-potties.

Perhaps you have information or extra toilet paper.

Investigators are asking you to step forward before they step in something.

Hmm.

Wouldn't you love it if they had an update afterwards?

I think the update would be great.

They'd be like, a New Jersey drone.

Yeah.

Diana Diarrhea is now

Inside the park,

maybe people are still pooping in the park Perhaps he always says perhaps perhaps people are still pooping in the crotch for fun

perhaps Robert Stack.

I love it The Rock 108 morning show

So stand

up comedian Tom Garland is here, or is it Robert Stack?

I can't remember.

When you

see-

I'm losing the accent.

When you see the video guys, he got a trench coat just for this.

Oh yeah.

And you picked this up from where?

Trench coats are us?

Uh, that was the Salvation Army.

It should happen.

So everyone should support them because I took one of

their very nice trench coats for $12.

How

do you approach the Salvation Army saying, hey, I'm looking for a trench coat without somebody going, hey, you're on a list somewhere now?

Yeah, I'm sure I seemed super creepy.

So like, like I already don't give off that vibe.

But yeah, I was like, where are

your trench coats?

Yeah, I'm looking for this specific one.

Anyway, we got a top five here today.

What do you

got?

Yes, we do.

It was just Valentine's Day.

And then, you know, there's so much pressure on it.

I feel like sometimes people break up,

you know,

over, you know, it's like you got all the holiday and you got to spend and all that stuff.

So if that happened to you, if you happen to break up right after Valentine's Day, I feel for you.

So and I really feel for the dudes more than anything.

So these are the top five, more accurate rock breakup songs.

But from a dude's perspective, number five.

Sweet Child of Mine, please stop calling your mom.

I want custody.

The court has awarded me custody.

Give me a break.

Stop calling

her.

Wow.

This is my house.

Wow.

That's just number five.

Yeah.

These are the top five more accurate breakup songs.

Number four, we built this city.

I should have had a prenup.

Oh no.

I don't know why I didn't get her to sign that.

Oh boy.

top five more accurate rock breakup songs number three here I go again trying not to look too old for college bars

oh no trench coat

doesn't work

it's hello my fellow kids are you

having the Riz I have the Riz that's when like I go to Iowa City I have to get a fake ID but not to be 21 to be like 35

They're like, sir, no.

I'm

like, oh,

that's really me.

I swear.

I'm 35 years old.

Oh my gosh, that's great.

What you got next?

These are the top five more accurate rock breakup songs.

Number two, Crazy Train.

We'd still be together if I hadn't walked in on that.

That was a crazy train.

Yeah, it was a crazy train.

Run the camera the next time.

Yeah.

At least cashed in on that.

Yeah, sure could have.

Only,

Toms.

Yeah, this is my Amazon wish list for... Number one, I wish I could get into a college bar.

These are the top five more accurate rock breakup songs.

Number one, I don't want to miss a thing.

Oh.

Well, yes, I do.

I want to miss the in-laws, the fighting, the snoring, all of it.

At least now I don't have to miss college basketball.

Got the play-in games.

You can watch those, too.

Parlay it.

The Rock 108.

morning show!

Who used all the Wi-Fi?

Ah, apartment life.

Bad Wi-Fi, mystery laundry piles, and a roommate who says, I'll Venmo you.

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Wait, we have a washer and dryer in the apartment?

Tom

Garland, have you ever been

to a destination wedding?

I have never done a destination wedding.

I did a destination bachelor party.

What's that about?

We did a bachelor party in Las Vegas.

One of my friends, it was 13 guys over like four days and that's not a good idea.

How many got lost?

One of the, this is the highlight of the trip is one of the guys, we were all messed up, right?

One of the guys put his phone in the microwave of the hotel suite, turned it on, blew up the microwave.

And we were like, why?

That's what I was like, why did you do this?

And he goes, he's all messed up.

He goes, I got it wet at the pool party and I was trying to dry it off.

And I was like, so you did what?

Pressed popcorn and thought that would help.

So we had the fire department called, the police were there.

It was a whole, that was like day two.

That's day two of five of four.

Oh, four.

Which is anything longer than two days is

too long to be in Vegas.

I

guess I have done a destination bachelor party.

This was Chicago and we did the rooftops outside of Wrigley.

Oh, that's cool.

It was awesome.

You know,

all you can eat, all you can drink, you're watching a baseball game.

But then there was an after party at the Cubby Bear to which myself and one other individual, the only guys left that

that may have, you know, threw up a Chicago dog there at the Covey Bear, gave it back, ended up at the McDonald's across the street before they remodeled

everything.

Do you remember that place?

And then

there's people passed out on the ground and finding a way back downtown, reminding myself that the L is really, really loud when you're drunk.

Yeah, you were

further than you, like when I would go and do standup in Chicago, I stayed in Wrigleyville.

My friend lived on West Bell Plain.

And so that's like two blocks from the stadium.

Yeah, but then you wanna get downtown and you guys were probably staying what, like Michigan Avenue.

Yeah, it was downtown.

It was something silly.

It's

been

way too much for parking.

And then I do remember one of the members of the bachelor party.

It was like 10 of us or something.

As we're leaving, he's grinding up against one of the stanchions, the poles.

Not a girl, not a guy.

A pole.

Like rubbing his butt right there on the pole.

And he's like, yeah, that's somebody that's got a few too many drinks in their system.

So in this case, a couple in Iowa has kind of a destination wedding in this case.

Alexis and Ryan, they got married at a courthouse last Thursday.

No, they couldn't.

This is just two days before Valentine's Day.

It was supposed to be an intimate thing with a few loved ones.

So they're all waiting at the courthouse when they found out that the judge had an appointment

and wasn't going to show up.

Okay.

So to make this a destination wedding, Alexis's father stood up and said that he had a friend, Jody, who was ordained.

Jody and his wife owned a funeral home, Tom Garland.

And we've got audio

for

you here today.

We're going to get married at the funeral home.

Yay!

I rolled into the funeral home.

Parking out was full of cars.

Didn't really know what I was getting myself into.

Took five, 10 minutes, met with them.

discussed the importance, made sure they were both for real.

We're in a chapel.

I got to walk down the aisle with my dad.

The girls got to be flower girls.

My son got to be the ring bear, and his son got to be his best man.

I mean, you don't say no.

You help people.

And that's, I think that's what the good Lord put me in this earth to do, is to help people.

And I was just happy to help.

I've got questions.

Yeah.

I've got questions, Psalm Garland.

I'm sure you do too.

If you're married at a funeral home, right?

at a funeral home, you're walking down the aisle.

There is a different feel for a funeral home.

Yeah, normally they carry you down the

aisle.

Also, she just comes out of the back of the car on rollers.

Oh no!

Yeah.

My uncle zoned a funeral home

in

Illinois for years.

you know, every single day is, and then they live in the other side of the funeral home.

Oh, I forgot about that.

You know, so that's actually for the guy that runs it.

It was probably cute and a nice break from, you know, constant death and mortality.

Yeah.

But can you imagine standing at the altar or at the chapel and being like, till death do us part?

Well, maybe, you know, I don't know if that's, we have to say that

today.

Can we skip on this one?

Yeah.

I mean, this is.

You wonder, like, do they cater some food in at that point?

Yeah.

Do

you hold the reception at the same location?

Totally.

Why not open bar,

closed casket, smoked

meats.

You could embalm the cake.

Save that cake, you know.

Watch out.

You don't want to get yourself too far.

But yeah, this was in Marshalltown.

Yeah.

Imagine the wedding registry.

You could put a plot on there and a headstone and something extra.

Yeah.

The best part, if you get cold feet, you're not the only one.

Yeah.

They ask you the question.

Is this heaven?

No, it's

Iowa.

I love it.

We're going to get married at the funeral home.

Yay!

Who used all the Wi-Fi?

Ah, apartment life.

Bad Wi-Fi, mystery laundry piles, and a roommate who says, I'll Venmo you.

Maybe 2027 deserves an upgrade.

Coming August 2027, Four Lakes Properties introduces the brand new Union Station apartments.

Furnished, in-unit washer and dryer, internet included, a great central downtown location, one to five bedroom apartments, and no double occupancy fees.

That's less adulting and more actually enjoying where you live.

Union Station apartments, now leasing from Four Lakes Properties.

Wait, we have a washer and dryer in the apartment?

apartment?

752 today's daily dumbass comes to us from here we go again 26 year old a Florida man today his name is Dean everyone say hi Dean yeah in this case Dean's in trouble and here's why

He drove up and noticed a landscaping van parked alongside the street last week, so Dean gets out of his vehicle, allegedly, runs up to it, climbs in the back, and then somehow got locked inside.

Sounds like the landscaper came back to lock the van before he started working.

Dean then realized he was trapped and freaked out and started screaming for help.

Here's a witness that talks about the incidents.

The gentleman was trying to steal his things, but unfortunately, he got locked in.

He can't breathe.

He was saying, get me out of here.

I can't breathe.

He would say, Bobby, help.

Because there was, you know, machetes inside the truck, and he could have just come out and hurt anybody.

So they left them in there.

I think it was kind of actually funny.

I got as a dumb crook.

Yeah, I guess now he's watching the news and inside the jail.

No, you can call him a dumbass if you want.

Someone had called the police.

They got the guy out.

Dean told the cops, uh, I wasn't the thief.

I was out handing out business cards and a dog started chasing me.

So I jumped into the van for safety.

Eh, wrong.

A security camera caught the whole thing from him driving up and seeing the van to the officers getting him out.

Dean was arrested for burglary and criminal mischief.

Here today,

A Florida Daily Dumbass.

You guys ready?

Producer Sven, you know the song, let's sing along.

Florida man, Florida man, Florida man, Florida man.

He lives in his van, he's Florida man.

Shouldn't it be that he's stuck in the van?

News is next on The Rock 108 Morning Show.

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